Interview Lined Up

Got an interview lined up for tomorrow with a PPC company. It's an online company that offers businesses the opportunity to advertise with them. I really really hope I get chosen as this is the career path I want for myself. I am into online marketing and the idea of making money online appeals to me.

Work Smarter Not Harder

The above phrase says it all. It is the truth. I have watched my Mother and Father work their whole lives, in fact it is all I have seen them do. They just work and work and work. Although they are successful they have missed out on so much in life including their children's childhoods. We never saw them - they were too busy trying to provide for us I guess. 

Anyway my point is that I want to work online - I want to work from home so that I can have time for the things that make me happy :) I dont want to look back on my life and regret not doing things that bring value into my being. 

Hold thumbs that I get this it's a training position so I will able to learn with the company and all these lessons I can integrate into my own affiliate efforts.

Back In Cape Town

So it has been a while since my last post, things have been hectic and I find myself back in Cape Town. The contract that was supposed to carry on for 10 months in Coffee Bay has been cancelled :( I miss it it there, I miss it a lot. Being back here has put me in a tough position again-work wise :/ I am looking for work, but with no luck so far.

On a lighter note I have met someone that brings a smile to my dile, her name is Sandre and we have been vibing for a little bit. I dont want something to serious - Time will tell but at the moment we are good together. Our birthdays are one day apart so we are the same star sign, not sure what that actually means hahahaha.

Dancefloor at jungala 2013 - MaD

Been to 3 Psytrance parties since I have been back and WABAM they were all great. Had loads of fun and snacked on copious amounts of magic mushrooms.

Was sooooo good being back at a party and seeing the people that matter in my life. Love it !

Sandre and I 

Kodak  Moment

Anyway I gotta get back to looking for work.

Running And The Will Power To Start It Up

I want to start running again like soon, maybe tomorrow morning. I need to do something to get fit and healthy. I have a bad knee at the moment so I can’t run on hard ground like I used to. I discovered a secluded beach about 1 km in length and I was thinking that that would be great to start my training on again. 

Soft sand = better conditions for my knee and I will be able to take a dip in the ocean after I am finished.

I am super keen to do this, but I have to muster up the will power to get up at 5:30 every morning to get started. I can do it, I know I can make this happen. I just need to focus on what I am doing it for. Is it for other people or entirely for myself? That line has become so blurred in my life. I try and convince myself that other people do not influence how I feel about myself but in all honesty they do. Realisation is the first step to correcting behaviour.

Such a short life we live and to waste energy on what I think other people are thinking of me. What the fuck, why do I care why do I let that affect how I react to situation. Everyone is always like, FUCK THE PEOPLE I AM THE PEOPLE………………. So much easier to say than to practice. 

I dont want to care anymore I want to be free from these shackles that bind and manipulate my everyday life.

I have come a far way since I was a young boy, I have overcome many obstacles in my short lifespan and I am still here and I am not going to give up. So Fuck The People I Am The People. :D

I have it all right here I have myself and that is where my home is. Not how much I have but who I am. My morals and my nature are me, I am beautiful and I deserve to be loved. No material possession can determine where my home is. I am my home and wherever I am my home will be – even if it is just me.

Anyway, slightly derailed from the topic J I will start my runs tomorrow I want to improve myself and exercise is the key - besides it takes my mind off of things and I can cope better with my circumstances. I really need to get used to being alone now. I really need to sort out my mind and focus on balance in my life. The first step is to let go of her, to let go of the life we had together - she still lingers in my dreams and my heart , but I need to let go I need to push her out of my mind by letting go of that last page of the chapter that was us.

Some Practice Poi For A Few New Friends

Jessica and Ria work at sugarloaf backpackers and they seem pretty keen to learn some poi so I decided to surprise them with a pair of practice poi that I built today because they don’t have any of their own. I was so excited to hand em over this morning. 

I love building things and helping people.

So I took it over to them and they seem to be enjoying it and that makes me happy. I taught them some moves that they can practice so long. It makes me happy to make other people happy – people pleaser much?  Yes, yes I am : /

Maybe sometime soon I can hand over the fire poi for them to try, but that will still take time..... Would be great to get them to that level though.

One Step Forward -Two Steps Back

I had an urge to post something due to my lack of sleep and sad state that I have found myself in this morning.  I can’t handle the dreams any more they feel so real. When I see her it feels like my reality. I wake up smelling her sent and feeling her next to me - it is almost as if she has died, but I know that’s not what happened I know that she is alive and well and that she has moved on comfortably without me.

I really am struggling to let go of her – what is it about her or what we had that I can’t seem to forget or move on from – such unnecessary pain that I am holding onto, such unnecessary hope L . It has been four months but the memories are still oven fresh in my mind.

I need to focus on what I have and not on what I do not have. I have a job, I have family that love me and I have friends.

I just don’t have her anymore and I don’t want to accept that – I can’t believe that she is gone and out of my life – my rock my solid and my best friend has left me to wither and die while she moves on to a new man to be her knight.

I was that man a long long time ago in memories far far away. I was the man she swore to love forever and ever and the one she would hold tightly at night whispering that we were going to be together forever. Soft kisses that I will never feel from her lips again - all given to her new knight in shining armour.

Today I feel lost, alone and cold here in coffee bay a paradise of solitude, my fortress, my pain all contained in a beach far far away.

Hole In The Wall – Chilling On The Wild Coast

I met a lady by the name of Jessica – not sure what her surname is?? She works at sugarloaf backpackersdoing bar right now and teaches the owners kids pre-primary school in the morning. I like her vibe she’s chilled and seems to be down to earth – someone I think I could become good friends with. She has been here for a little while now and wanted to do something on her off day so we decided to make a mission to hole in the wall (one of the main attractions here on the wild coast)

There were a few of us going on the trip I can’t recall everyone’s name right now but we were a good bunch of people that decided to go. Kappie (the guy that works with me ) drove us out there in the morning after we got some beers and chow for the day. The road up to hole in the wall was pretty epic, lots of heavy ditches and shit – I was sitting in the back and it felt like I was in a fucking washing machine, but we made it safely eventually J

After parking it was another 800 metre walk to the best spots on the shore for braaing and some shade. I took my camera with because I want to make a movie clip with some panning shots of the wall for the blog and you tube. I made a solo mission to capture some shots and clips of the view. I didn’t realize how long I had been gone for – I was enjoying the walk way too much to be concerned with time and completely immersed myself in the beauty of my surroundings. It was fantastic!

I got back to everyone else and they were already preparing something to eat for our group. I grabbed a beer, my book and found a shaded spot for a bit of reading whilst listening to the waves breaking through the hole in the wall. Sounded something like BA-BOOM SHSHSHSSSSHHHH. 

Epic

We all ate, enjoyed interesting conversation and relaxed for the whole day. It was good, really good and I felt connected out there, a good kind of connection like with the earth. After getting back to camp I was so tired man, I went to the bar had a whiskey and a smoke watched a movie with the guys and went straight to bed.

Mastering The Art Of Poi To Keep Me Sane

I have been playing around with my poi again since I have been single. It’s amazing how much of yourself you lose in another person. I used to play poi so much and I was starting to get paid work for it and then well, I don’t really know what happened. 

Relationships take up so much of your time that you easily forget to give back to yourself.  You forget what makes you happy.  So much of your energy is focused on your partner that you start to neglect yourself and your own needs.

I loved this picture it has such a perfect backdrop

Anyway I have been practicing my poi like a BAWS again here in coffee bay. Whenever I have some spare time I pick em up and head for a spinning session. I would like to become very good at it I want people to be amazed when they see me spinning fire for them. I want to let them see what an exciting art form it is and I would like them to see how much time I have put into it.

I want my fire poi to flow seamlessly through the air and around my body feeling the heat of the flames kissing my skin and singeing my hairs.

It excites me just typing about it J 

I can smell the paraffin and hear the whooshing sound it makes as it passes close by your ears. There is no feeling like it and I would never be able to describe it to anyone. Only actually playing with fire will you understand the awesomeness of it.

Poi keeps me sane when I am feeling down. I will focus that energy into poi and improving my talents as a poi dancer.

Experience all things with the enthusiasm of a child, as if you were seeing it for the first time. This is the zen mind always new, always aware, always that of a beginner

Fighting The Past

Past Biting Me In The Arse Again

Michelle my ex girlfriend contacted me again today wanting me to get her stuff to her. Just when I thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. It’s so difficult to hear from her - I am not over what happened yet and the wounds aren’t completely healed.

I am not in Cape Town at the moment and I won’t be for the next 10 months. I have left her stuff at my mom’s place and told her she can go fetch it anytime she wants, but she still insists that I bring it to her. It is not fair on me she knows that I am still not over her but yet she still expects me to do things for her.

She had moved on one month after she left me with one of my friends they finalised it 2 months after she left me by making it public on facebook. They were together for 2 months before I found out and in that time I still carried around so much hope that we could still work our issues out and try again because I still believed that what we had was special.

To carry around hope is to hold onto pain

When she left me I had only one request – let me know when you have moved on – that’s all I wanted her to do for me. She chose to hide the fact that she had moved on which makes it even more painful and decieving.

I remember one of her posts soon after our break up saying how liberated she felt to be single again and how much fun she was having being a single women. But yet it took her only one month to get back into a relationship again with someone I knew.

 I must of meant nothing to her, crazy shit and yes it still hurts like a bitch thinking that way but it’s getting better although some days are naturally tougher than others, like today. I texted her to tell her to please stop contacting me about her things and just to break contact all together,  let’s hope it sticks this time. I can’t keep being reminded about her. 

I want her to be happy and I also want to be happy.

Relaxing On The Wild Coast

Interesting Day I have had today.

I met two entertainingly pleasant Germans at Sugar Loaf Backpackers this afternoon - Ben and Phil – cool guys. They’re working in East London at Mercedes Benz installing the automated robots that weld and put together the actual car.

I was pretty amazed by that, I have never met anyone that install such advanced equipment at 23 years of age before. They told me what they get paid and I nearly fell on my back. For instance they get R300 a day just for food expenses, that’s R9000 a month just for food – I know families that get by on less than half of that a month and they are feeding four.

Ben and Phil bought myself and Zane a few beers we played darts and smoked fat blunts of Swazi rolled into what I can only describe as a baseball bat every drag took my mind further and further away. After we were good and fukt on beer and smoke Ben taught us an Austrian game that he had learned at a previous backpackers called Dirty Harry.

Such an epic game it’s exciting and fun For a good game of Dirty Harry you will need a pool table a pool cue and some players. The rules are simple, start with the lowest ball if you sink it you get points if you fowl you lose points. Makes a great drinking game / party game by the way.

The Madness Of My Mind

Throughout my whole life I have never really truly felt at peace with myself. There is always some insecurity poking its head up or the constant worry of what other people are thinking of me looming in the back of my mind. I tend to blame myself when something goes wrong in any situation.

It is a difficult way to live your life, it creates obstacles that aren't actually there. In fact I create those obstacles all by myself in my own mind.

It is madness and I know this.

I have known this for a very long time and I have been working on certain parts of myself to make my life better. Today I decided to forgive everyone whom I thought did me any wrong in the past. I took 30 minutes of my morning focusing on forgiving everyone that had done me harm including the girl who broke my heart recently. 

After ward I thought to myself "I really do feel at peace right now" Its like there is empty space in my head where the fear, anger and resentment used to be. It is a peculiar feeling but I like it and I will continue to keep forgiving others and most importantly myself in the future.

We all owe it to ourselves to be happy, we have one life to live and I want to be happy as much as I possibly can be. Amazingly I find myself in a part of the world where everything is simple and my surroundings are beautiful, the perfect place for me to connect and figure out the issues that have plagued and disrupted my relationships with people in the past.

New Opportunities – Coffee Bay Is Calling Me Back

Money money money, what a damn mission, I have been struggling to get on my feet financially after all the drama with the break up so I had took on a few odd jobs to fatten up my bank balance, One was in a pub in Stellenbosch, well more of a club vibe lots of drunk young ones – it was fun for a little while and the money was ok but the hours were killing me slowly. 

At the same time as the pub job I was going to every outdoor trance party in Cape Town moving mushrooms which proved to be quite profitable but dangerous law wise and I really do not want any offences on my name right now.

There was a point in last month where I didn’t know what the fuck or where the fuck my life was going. It all seems to start and end with money and a decent cash flow like it always does I suppose.  I don’t really have a proper education so I can’t really get a decent job in any worthwhile field.

After finishing school I went to study sound engineering but never found work in that sector. In-between I was always working for my dad who owns a few businesses from construction to pubs and grubs.

There was a point in my life where I worked in coffee bay for about 4 months and really enjoyed it – the money was horrible but the relaxed hippie/gypsy type vibe of the place always stuck in my mind. This is where the opportunity comes in. 

My old man secured a contract in coffee bay on the wild coast and asked if I would like to manage one of the teams up there. So I am facing a situation here where I can work for family again??? I thought about it hard and long – the money he was offering me was too good to pass up and I would be in coffee bay for 10 months!

You guessed it I am blogging today from coffee bay J I have been here for one month already and I am really enjoying it. This move has taken me so far away from Cape Town. It gives me a chance to leave it all behind, get away from the friend circles that Michelle and I had made together. I get to start a new and fresh. I get to focus on me.

It’s so simple out here so rural so primal……………..

Break Up Healing Wounds

Until recently my life has been pretty undecided with my girlfriend leaving me in the beginning of this year. I felt totally lost and well, kinda worthless. It gets better with time –A phrase I heard all too often after the break up.

I know it does, but when you are in that state you don’t want to hear any of it from anyone.

Three months has come and gone and time has started to remedy me in a way that only time can. Michelle is in a new relationship for two months already which I only found out about a week ago, clearly she has no intention of working things out with me. 

Now at this moment I feel peaceful knowing that I can safely let go of the little hope I carried around with me for the last couple of weeks, but as we all know these emotions tend to roller coaster. I am not sure how I will feel tomorrow or the day after. I take my good days and make the best of them though.

It saddens me when I get reminded of her, but at the same time certain strengths come along with the pain. I am getting stronger again, my confidence has returned and I am feeling like myself.

My journey has just begun, my life is an open book and I can do whatever the fuck I want now. No restrictions or concerns only freedom.

Learning With Every Goodbye

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & chaining a soul, & you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, & company doesn't always mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts & presents aren't promises, & you begin to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes ahead, with the grace of a man or a woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans & futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden & decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth. And you learn, & you learn. With every good-bye.. You learn. ♥

One Month Now And Still Not Quite Healed

Sometimes you have to forget about what you want and remember what you deserve.

Today it has been one month since the break up. It has been hard and still is, I fear going to sleep because I dream of her and wake up wiping wet eyes. I miss her morning kisses, the late night tomfoolery and the intense love making that left us shivering with pleasure. I can still here her whispers of I love you in my ear.

I feel I will never find the connection and closeness we once had, like there will be no one else that could compare to her. She was honestly the best I have ever had. 

Two days ago I dropped of a letter for her at her place, I left early so that she would still be asleep because I didn't want to bump into her on her way to work. I got there at 6: am and her car wasn't there. Could she really be with another man already, did I honestly mean so little to her that she could be sleeping in someone else's bed so soon.

I suppose these are my crazy assumptions and I should stop letting my mind run wild after all it is over and I need to accept that her life is no longer a part of mine. That thought pulls at my chest from the inside like a bag of bricks, my heart fills with pain at the thought of it.

I am working hard on moving on but she is always with me, my mind always reminding me of the past. 

A New Beginning

The blog of stix

This new year has been a tough start for me, I have been struggling to deal with the cards I have been dealt. The world now feels cold and lonely as I move forward to accept the loss of my best friend Michelle. We were together for two + years and we were happy. I felt complete when I looked into her eyes, I felt love around her presence she was my rock and I made the mistake of loosing myself in her.

She always used to call me stix it was her thing and I loved it so much. It has been three weeks now and today has been all too difficult, everything just reminds me and I feel lost at the thought of not having her by my side. When I walk around I can still feel her energy,  we did everything together. This is the longest we have been apart from each other since we got together. I know time will heal me and eventually I will be able to give my heart to someone special again but for the moment I am hurting.

I decided to start this blog up so that I can write down my thoughts and feelings to share with the world. Who knows maybe someone will find comfort in these words. It wont be a blog of any one topic it will be my journal, my escape and my way of dealing with this mess I am in at the moment.

Stick around and you will learn about me, the way I think and my journey to self acceptance and loving myself. I have to work on myself so that I can learn to love myself. I want to know who I am and know myself better than I do at the moment. We are all on a journey of self discovery and I think that is amazing.

If we change the way we look at things the things we look at will change :)