Learning With Every Goodbye

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & chaining a soul, & you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, & company doesn't always mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts & presents aren't promises, & you begin to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes ahead, with the grace of a man or a woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans & futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden & decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth. And you learn, & you learn. With every good-bye.. You learn. ♥

One Month Now And Still Not Quite Healed

Sometimes you have to forget about what you want and remember what you deserve.

Today it has been one month since the break up. It has been hard and still is, I fear going to sleep because I dream of her and wake up wiping wet eyes. I miss her morning kisses, the late night tomfoolery and the intense love making that left us shivering with pleasure. I can still here her whispers of I love you in my ear.

I feel I will never find the connection and closeness we once had, like there will be no one else that could compare to her. She was honestly the best I have ever had. 

Two days ago I dropped of a letter for her at her place, I left early so that she would still be asleep because I didn't want to bump into her on her way to work. I got there at 6: am and her car wasn't there. Could she really be with another man already, did I honestly mean so little to her that she could be sleeping in someone else's bed so soon.

I suppose these are my crazy assumptions and I should stop letting my mind run wild after all it is over and I need to accept that her life is no longer a part of mine. That thought pulls at my chest from the inside like a bag of bricks, my heart fills with pain at the thought of it.

I am working hard on moving on but she is always with me, my mind always reminding me of the past. 

A New Beginning

The blog of stix

This new year has been a tough start for me, I have been struggling to deal with the cards I have been dealt. The world now feels cold and lonely as I move forward to accept the loss of my best friend Michelle. We were together for two + years and we were happy. I felt complete when I looked into her eyes, I felt love around her presence she was my rock and I made the mistake of loosing myself in her.

She always used to call me stix it was her thing and I loved it so much. It has been three weeks now and today has been all too difficult, everything just reminds me and I feel lost at the thought of not having her by my side. When I walk around I can still feel her energy,  we did everything together. This is the longest we have been apart from each other since we got together. I know time will heal me and eventually I will be able to give my heart to someone special again but for the moment I am hurting.

I decided to start this blog up so that I can write down my thoughts and feelings to share with the world. Who knows maybe someone will find comfort in these words. It wont be a blog of any one topic it will be my journal, my escape and my way of dealing with this mess I am in at the moment.

Stick around and you will learn about me, the way I think and my journey to self acceptance and loving myself. I have to work on myself so that I can learn to love myself. I want to know who I am and know myself better than I do at the moment. We are all on a journey of self discovery and I think that is amazing.

If we change the way we look at things the things we look at will change :)